英语幽默故事 小学

　　Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
　　Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
　　老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
　　汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".

　　.A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,'Get the kid.'

　　这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”


　　2.Mother: Freddie, why is your face so red?

　　Freddie: I was running up the street to stop a fight.

　　Mother: That's a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting?

　　Freddie: Me and Jackie Smith.

　　妈妈：弗雷迪，你的脸为什么那么红？

　　弗雷迪：我刚才在大街上跑，为的是阻止一次打架？

　　妈妈：你做的对，谁和谁在打架。

　　弗雷迪：我和杰克·史密斯。

　　另外
　　http://www.itpuji.net.cn/xiaohua/list.php?category=%D3%A2%D3%EF%D0%A6%BB%B0
　　还有很多

　　http://www.google.cn/search?hl=zh-CN&q=jokes&meta=&aq=f&oq=

　　盗版光碟：

　　-Are you serious?(你是认真的吗?)
　　-No,I'm kidding.(不,我开玩笑的.)

　　电影上的翻译:
　　-你是席拉瑞丝吗?
　　-不,我是凯丁..

　　Two Birds
　　Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
　　Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
　　Teacher: Please tell us.
　　Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
　　两只鸟
　　老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？
　　学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
　　老师：请说说看。
　　学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

　　2.
　　The Fish Net
　　"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
　　"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

　　鱼网
　　"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。
　　"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。

　　3.
　　The New Teacher
　　George comes from school on the first of September.
　　"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
　　"I didn’t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

　　新老师
　　9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。
　　"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。
　　"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。"

　　4.
　　A physics Examination
　　Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
　　The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
　　Nick’s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.

　　一次物理考试
　　在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。
　　这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？
　　He Won

　　Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
　　Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
　　Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

　　他赢了
　　汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
　　约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
　　汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
　　约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。

　　I Have His Ear in My Pocket

　　Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
　　"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
　　"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
　　"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

　　他的耳朵在我衣兜里

　　伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
　　“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
　　“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
　　“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”

　　A Good Boy

　　Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
　　"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
　　"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
　　"She is the one who sells the candy."

　　好孩子

　　小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
　　“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
　　“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
　　“她是个卖糖果的。”

　　Drunk

　　One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
　　"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

　　醉酒

　　一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”

　　Hospitality

　　The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

　　好客

　　由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。

　　英语小笑话
　　上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you
　　know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
　　性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的
　　一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是
　　A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟
　　能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.


　　One old person complained to the doctor that his right ear was giving him trouble; he couldn't hear.
　　So the doctor checked, checked, checked, listened, listened and said, "Oh, you know your ear trouble is an old age problem? Your ear is getting old, that's all.That's why you can't hear."So the patient said, "Nonsense, the left ear is just as old.

　　中文：
　　有个老人向医生抱怨右耳有问题，听不见。
　　医生检查又检查、听了又听，然后说：「哦！你知道吗？你耳朵有毛病是因为年老的关系，你的右耳已经老化了，所以才听不到。」
　　病人说：「胡说！我的左耳也一样老呀！」

　　There were two men who went out to eat together. They ordered fish. So on the table there were two fish.
　　Normally not all the fish are alike in size, so there was one small, and one big. The first man just took
　　the big one for himself without asking and feeling ashamed, or anything; and ate it. The other friend
　　felt very disturbed and annoyed, he didn't know what to say. So he thought for a while, and then he said,
　　" If it were me," I would have taken the smaller one first." So the other guy said," See! I knew that!
　　That's why I took the big one."

　　有两个人一起出去吃饭，结果点了两条鱼，不久之后，鱼就上桌了，但是通常鱼的大小都不太一样，所以送来的鱼也是一条大一条小。结果第一个人问也不问，就把比较大的那条鱼夹起来吃，一点都没有不好意思的样子。
　　另一个人看了心里很不高兴，但是也不知道该说什么才好。他想了一会儿，终于开口说：「如果是我的话，我一定会先拿那条小鱼。」另一个人就接口说：「看吧！我就知道，所以我刚刚才拿大鱼。」

　　http://englishjoke.net/

　　Does the dog know the proverb, too?

　　The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.

　　"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"

　　"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

　　狗也知道这个谚语吗？

　　一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。

　　“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”

　　“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”
　　Let me take it down

　　An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ."
　　"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know."

　　为我所用
　　一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”

　　“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。
　　Do You Know My Work？
　　One night a hotel caught fire， and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes．
　　Two men stood outside and looked at the fire．
　　“Before I came out，” said one，“I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money． People don't think of money when they're afraid． When anyone leaves paper money in a fire， the fire burns it． So I took all the bills that I could find．No one will be poorer because I took them．”
　　“You don't know my work，” said the other．

　　“What is your work？”
　　“I'm a policeman．
　　“Oh！” cried the first man． He thought quickly and said，“And do you know my work？”“No，”said the policeman．
　　“I'm a writer． I'm always telling stories about things that never happened．”
　　译文：（自己简单翻译）
　　你知道我是干什么的吗？
　　一天晚上，一家旅馆失火，住在这家旅馆里的人穿着睡 衣就跑了出来。
　　两个人站在外面，看着大火。
　　“在我出来之前，”其中一个说：“我跑进一些房间，找到了一大笔钱。人在恐惧中是不会想到钱的。如果有人把纸币留在火里，火就会把它烧成灰烬。所以我把我所能找到的钞票都拿走了。没有人会因为我拿走它们而变得更穷。”
　　“你不知道我是干什么的。”另一个说。
　　“你是干什么的？”
　　“我是警察。”
　　“噢！”第一个人喊了一声。他灵机一动，说：“那你知道我是干什么的？”“不知道。”警察说。
　　“我是个作家。我总是爱编一些从未发生过的故事。”


　　你家真穷
　　你家太穷了。我进你家门时恰好踩灭了一支香烟，你老爸就喊：“嘿，谁关了取暖器？”


　　某山区通火车,沿途农民都来观看,车上一女客来了例假,换纸后仍出窗外
　　迎面飞在一农民脸上,农民取下说:“哇靠！！！火车就是快,飘张纸都能把我鼻子打出血

　　猪的英文笑话三则：
　　============
　　Friendly Pig
　　============
　　A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

　　===============
　　Woman Yells Pig
　　===============
　　A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!"

　　The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!"

　　They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road and dies.

　　If only men would listen.

　　=======================
　　Take The Pig to The Zoo
　　=======================
　　A man was driving down the road in the country. He looked over and saw a baby pig in the field. He stopped and picked up the pig. He was driving around town with the pig in the car and a cop sees him and pulls him over.

　　Cop asks "Hey, What are you doing with that pig in the car?"

　　The driver says "Well, I just found the pig beside the road in the field."

　　The cop says" I want you to take that pig to the zoo!"

　　The driver agrees he will take the pig to the zoo.

　　The next day the cop sees the guy driving around again and pulls him over. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT PIG TO THE ZOO!!"

　　He replied, "Well I did take the pig to the zoo. We had such a good time we are going to the ball game now."


　　http://www.english8848.net/bbs/showbbs.asp?bd=12&id=416&totable=1

　　还有一个不错的网址：http://www.czlgj.com/otherweb/e_c/joke/index.htm

　　wake up
　　A couple stopped talking to each other after a quarrel. However, the husband was worried about to catch up a meeting early next morning, so he wrote his wife a note:"Please wake me up at 7:00am." The next morning, he was upset to wake up at 8:00. Then he saw a note at his bedside:"Wake up you stupid! It's 7:20 now."

　　起床啦
　　一对夫妇吵架了，谁也不和对方说话。 第二天，丈夫因为一大早要去开会，所以希望太太早上能叫醒他。但是他又不愿意先说话，于是就拿了一张纸条给太太，上面写道：“明天早上七点叫我起床”第二天早上，丈夫起床的时候已经八点了，他又急又气，突然发现一张纸条放在床头上，上面写道：“死鬼！七点二十了。快起床。”


　　Grandson
　　A well dressed young man demanded as soon as he entered the restaurant:
　　"Serve me, quick! Give me your best. I don't care the price."
　　Not like the way he talked, the waiter said to him: "Hey Buddy, it doesn't matter you have a lot of money. You are still son of somebody, and grandson of somebody else."
　　The young man raged: "Dare you! Tell me, who wants me to be his grandson?"
　　The waiter replied with ease:"Nobody. Just your grandfather."

　　做孙子
　　一位衣冠楚楚的年青人一进饭店就大声嚷嚷：
　　“喂，有什么好菜尽管端上来，钱多少我不在乎。”
　　服务员听了很不是滋味：“哥儿们，钱多顶个屁，你不照样得做别人的儿子，就是有人要你做孙子你也不敢不做！”
　　年青人勃然大怒：“谁敢占老子的便宜？你说，是谁不要命了，胆敢要老子做他的孙子？”
　　服务员慢条斯理地答道：“你爷爷！”

　　Class, Lass and Ass

　　Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: "Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow."
　　A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the "c" in the word "class." The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the "c" erased--calmly walked up and erased the "l" in "lass", looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.

　　汤姆教授打算第二天与他的学生见面，因此他在黑板上写道：“汤姆教授明天将和大家见面”。

　　一位学生看到这条通知后，觉得展示自己幽默感的机会来了，就走上前，将“class”中的“c”擦掉，将意思变为“汤姆教授明天将和情妇见面”。教授听到笑声，转过身走回来，看了看那位学生，又看看被改动过的通知，不动声色地走上前，把“lass”中的“l”擦掉，将意思改为“汤姆教授明天将和蠢驴见面”。看了看那位目瞪口呆的学生，教授扬长而去。

　　A Careless Barber

　　Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in?

　　Customer: No.

　　Barber: Oh, then I must have cut your throat.

　　粗心的理发员

　　理发员：你进来时是不是系着红围巾？

　　顾客：没有呀。

　　理发员：噢，那我肯定弄破了你的喉咙。


　　roast pig
　　A gentleman was invited for dinner. When he hurried there and sat down, he was happy to see a roast pig in front of his seat:"Not bad, I am next to the pig." But then he noticed the angry fat lady sitting next to him. He faked a smile and added: "Oh I am sorry, I meant the roasted one on the table."

　　烤乳猪
　　一位先生去赴宴迟到了，匆忙入座后，发现自己的座位正对着乳猪，于是大为高兴的说：“还不错，我坐在乳猪的旁边。”这时才发现身旁的一位胖女士正怒目相视，他忙陪笑改口到：“对不起，我说的是那只烤好的。”